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"Do an old guy a favor and those dentures always come back to bite you in the ass."
The
geezer was wily, you had to give him that. Duke had pursued him all
the way from Texas and now their little game had come down to the
obligatory climactic boss-fight. He'd cornered Lo Wang around dusk,
in Los Angeles. They were at a dockside trading zone with the Pacific
Ocean on one side and several blocks of warehouses on the other. It
wasn't a populated area, so collateral casualties would be at a
minimum...
It took a helluva nerve to impersonate one of his
employees and release those screenshots, thought Duke as he moved
past a back alley dumpster behind a fisheries processing unit. As if
the famed Duke Nukem's magnificence could be contained in a 200x125
pixel screenshot! He should have figured George wouldn't
dare make a move like that without his say-so, not for a job ad.
Image was everything. And nobody messes with Duke's image... and
lives! Only an assclown with a death-wish could have been behind the
unauthorized publicity stunt and Duke had finally tracked this one
down. The darkness was growing and the night smelled ripe for some
action.
"COME GET SOME FLIED LICE YOU BALD, TATTOOED
BASTARD!"
A gleeful giggle began to reverberate through
the alleyway. Duke's blonde eyebrows contracted over his shades.
Where is he?
"Talk to the Wang," the shadow warrior
shouted back.
Rooftop. That @$$hole was on higher ground and
he was on the move.
"Okay..." said Duke. "It's
down to you and me you one-eyed freak!"
The reply he got
was from no Wang. It was a feminine voice, one growing increasingly
distant, as if in fast retreat. Duke broke into a run as soon he got
the gist of the countdown.
"5 - 4 - 3 - "
Wang
likes big guns too, thought Duke as his legs pounded pavement. I
might stand a chance if I could just avoid the blast core. His hand
reached for the ignition switch tucked under his ammunition belt.
"
- 2 - 1 -"
The explosion was earth-shattering. Lo Wang
watched the fireball mushrooming like some orgasmic Mario fantasy
before the shockwave hit him like a hurricane, knocking the Ninja
master off his balance. Sprawled on his back, he began to laugh, "I
like nuclear weapons. Just like Hiroshima!"
Sitting up,
he marveled at the wanton destruction. Four square blocks of
buildings had been leveled in the sub-kiloton blast. The warehouse he
stood upon lay at the edge of a vast crater that exposed the gaping
sewers below. Nothing could have survived that, not even -
"Nookum?"
The name escaped Wang
involuntarily. As the massive column of dust and ash descended on
itself, a muscular figure emerged to run up the sloping crater walls
at an even sprint. It jumped over the wide trenches and shredded
concrete, heading towards Lo Wang with practiced ease. They say
crucibles forged from nuclear warheads make a paltry obstacle course
for the Ultimate Alien Ass Kicker.
What would it take to kill
this man?
Looking down at his spent rocket launcher, Lo mused,
"Ooh, must be American made!"
Not missing a beat, he
cast the failed weapon aside and whips out his railgun. Ignoring the
distant police sirens, Lo sights his running target in the railgun's
scope and quips, "Sayonara sucker!" - pulling the
trigger.
Fired at near light speeds and capable of piercing
anything, the only evidence of a railgun projectile is the
instantaneous smoky contrail. Duke Nukem had a contrail spiraling
right through his face. Exultant, Lo Wang guffawed, "You're
blocking with your head again!"
His joy was shortlived.
Impossible as it was, Duke was still climbing. Lo Wang muttered a few
oriental curse words under his breath. He simply couldn't believe his
eyes! The man moved right through the spiral contrail leaving it just
as intact as his own head.
Duke grinned. For an old,
washed-up, action hero, Wang pulled some pretty bold moves. Years
ago, after the dismal sales of Shadow Warrior, 3D Realms had decided
to retain the services of Lo Wang. His extensive martial arts
experience made him an ideal placement on the ninja detail guarding
3D Realms HQ. His job was to protect its developers and the legendary
game Duke was banking on to put him back on top, in an industry that
was trying to forget him. But Lo Wang did the unforgivable by
breaking the code of secrecy surrounding the game. Duke Nukem
Forever was prematurely revealed to the public in the littlest
screenshot possible. And the thing you had to know about Duke Nukem:
he was never premature and he certainly wasn't little.
Releasing a bigger sized screenshot of a pigcop was bad
enough. However, when it was discovered Wang used company bank
accounts to hire Duke's regular strippers for personal use, that was
the proverbial straw that broke the overlord's ass-
Sure, it
was an ego-thing. For Duke, ego was everything. Yet as much as Lo
Wang needed to die, Duke never underestimated how well armed his
opponent would be. Wang must have been prepared, his actions were
obviously designed to bait Duke into this fight. The question was
why. The holoduke had made Lo Wang expend the best part of his
weaponry and reveal himself. Now was the time to find out, kick ass
and chew bubblegum.
It was a few moments before Lo Wang could
discern the deception. This was no man, merely an illusion. The
running-climbing animation was too consistent, the figure too fleet
of foot, the self-clipping had become noticeable and one could make
out the vague flickering of a low refresh rate. The hologram emitter
had to be nearby, in constant visual proximity. A sixth-sense made Lo
turn around and look up.
There atop an old water tower, stood
the real Duke Nukem...
Furious, Lo Wang screamed, "You are weak as a
baby fart, go live in fear!!"
Duke for once, said
nothing. Flashing pearly white teeth, his devastator speaks for him,
unleashing a barrage of rockets at Wang and his sitting arsenal. The
first blast knocked Wang off his feet, sending the railgun flying.
The next dozen send him scrambling frantically over to edge of the
rooftop, where he leaps off. Lunging into the crater below, Lo Wang
twists, turns and fires two shots from his shoulder strapped grenade
launcher. They make contact with the water tower and explode, the
tower crumpling under Duke's feet. Plunged into a spray of water and
splintered wood, there is a roaring flash before Duke's jetpack
brings him hurtling out towards the falling Lo Wang, Duke's
devastator emptying its last shots at the sewer below. Their impact
cracks the ground open, revealing an underground reservoir and the
falling adversaries plunge headlong into the water.
Minutes
later Duke climbs onto an embankment feeling pissed and wet.
This
sucks! Just then, a spray of gunfire spattered the stone wall near his right ear and he ducks. Looking around he spots Lo Wang diving out of sight, firing dual akimbo uzis. Duke blasts back with his single barrel shotgun. They exchange gunfire through sewer tunnels, neither putting more than shrapnel into the other.
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